HOME

- Sometime a song says it all -

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, it makes true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.
[Chris Daughtry, Home]

Catlio
Bukit Gombak Tepi Laut

MATURE

/ma·ture
[muh-toor, -tyoor, -choor, -chur]
"Having reached the advanced stage of mental or emotional development characteristics of an adult"
/

I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pullin' at my clothes
I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows

I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I'm searching for the words inside my head

Sebulan yang lalu, saya berbincang dengan salah seorang teman tentang masa depan. Teman saya menyampaikan pandangannya tentang saya. Menurut dia, saya itu sama sekali belum bisa masuk kategori dewasa. Saya tertinggal sangat jauh dibandingkan beberapa teman teman disekitar. "Si ini udah punya anak. Si itu udah mulai nyicil rumah". Dia menekankan bahwa saya belum seperti itu. Saya belum punya image "bapak-bapak" dibandingkan orang orang yang dia sebut sebelumnya. Kamar saya masih berantakan, masih menghabiskan uang saya beli iPod, masih ketawa-ketawa tolol. Yah pokoknya masih seperti anak kecil. Dia berkata diantara teman-teman saya cuma ada satu nama yang lebih tidak dewasa dibanding saya.[1]

Ketika kalimat pertama keluar dari mulut teman saya ini, saya cukup sedih mendengarnya. Karena dia salah seorang yang istimewa dalam hidup saya dan pendapatnya cukup saya dengarkan. Terlebih lagi saya merasa saya berusaha cukup kerasa selama dua taun ini untuk menjadi seorang yang lebih dewasa. Ternyata, setelah sekian lama berbicara, kami berdua sepertinya punya perbedaan yang mendalam akan definisi kami tentang dewasa. Tentu saja ini menghasilkan usaha saya untuk menjadi dewasa tidak berarti di mata dia.

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

Buat dia, dewasa, dalam konteks lelaki, berkaitan erat dengan kemampuan kita untuk menjaga wanita yang akan menemani nantinya. Dan menurutnya saya belum mempunyai kemampuan yang cukup untuk menjamin hidup wanita saya nantinya.

Buat saya, dewasa itu berarti tanggung jawab. Bertanggung jawab atas semua keputusan yang kita ambil, semua kata yang kita ucapkan dan semua perbuatan yang kita lakukan. Jujurnya, pergantian definisi tidak juga bisa menjadikan saya seseorang yang dewasa. Tapi, saya rasa setidaknya dia bisa melihat saya lebih baik. Dalam dua taun terakhir, ya saya setidaknya saya tidak lagi mempunyai bill telepon yang 4,000 dollar. Dan dalam dua taun terakhir, saya gak pernah cabut kerja (kalo sekolah sih ya iya masih). Dan dalam dua terakhir, saya bekerja di sebuah posisi dimana kesalahan adalah norma. Dimana integrity sebagai engineer diuji dengan keberanian mengakui kealpaan, kebesaran hati meminta maaf, ketekunan untuk membenarkannya dan kesungguhan untuk tidak mengulangi kesalahan yang sama. I have not passed the test yet. But I am making a strong effort here. [2]

What's wrong with my tongue?
These words keep slipping away
I stutter I stumble like I've got nothing to say

'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...
[Things I'll Never Say, Avril Lavigne]

Lalu saya juga sadar, menjadi dewasa itu salah satu artinya adalah punya kemampuan untuk mengontrol emosi kita dan untuk menyembunyikan perasaan kita. Untuk itu kita butuh punya sebuah kebesaran hati untuk menerima apa yang Tuhan sudah gariskan buat kita. We always have plans but God is the one who decide. Kita harus besar hati untuk menerima keputusan walau itu bukan yang kita inginkan. Dan saat itu terjadi kita harus tetap mampu memberikan senyum kita yang terbaik, menunjukkan pada dunia bahwa kita mengerti life sucks, but we always move on. Sehingga kita tidak merusak kebahagiaan mereka yang ada disekitar kita. Kalau ini adalah salah satu kriteria menjadi dewasa, kamu sudah jadi saksi bahwa saya pass the test with fyling colors. Iya khan? [2]

Catlio
Sofa Biru

[1] I do have a plan, lil sis. It just that I do not share with many people. But, at least, I told you I know what I like, what I want and what I am good at.

[2] And I am a man with million words. But I will try to be as literal as possible from now on. My words should be stronger than Oak.

[3] I lose. Untuk beberapa hal, perasaan itu ada untuk kita jaga untuk diri kita sendiri bukan selalu untuk disampaikan.

No Doubling Back - Jason Mraz

- Feels like want to sing this song, but because I can't sing properly I will just write this in the blog. Would like to dedicate this song to one of my bestfriend. -

it's been nice to hold your hand
as we shifted through this twisted abandon
i would like to think that you will know your way
we have dodged the ropes of rain
well the cats and dogs well they love to play
on the handsome fella with umbrella
who once saved you your day
and i will ask you to open my door from your side
from the inside after you drive
because i wanna stay wet for a little bit longer

that's why
i warm the engine compartment up
while i stand here and think it up
but it's a little too early to bury the worries
til this wish is my command
and i wonder, wonder which one of us
is gonna state the obvious
and i wonder if you already know
that i gotta let you go
i know this ain't the way i planned it
i guess i ain't the great romantic
and i'm not doubling back now
no doubling back
doubling back now

well before i catch you complaining that it hardly rains at all
let me stop to lock the top
for fear of it falling hard
by the eyes were ears and the arms are
scars of where the war was waged on words that we heard as a joke
how did it drown our love
oh lord

when it rains it's sure to pour
but when i look in your eyes
i fear i won't see surprise
that i'm not doubling back cause
i wonder, wonder which one of us
is gonna state the obvious
and then i wonder if you already know
that i gotta let you goi know this ain't the way i planned it
i guess i ain't the great romantic
and i'm not doubling back now

no doubling back now doubling back now
no doubling back now doubling back now
no doubling back now doubling back now
no doubling back now doubling back now
no doubling back now doubling back now
no doubling back now
no turning around now
no going back now
no
[No Doubling Back, Jason Mraz]

- a breakup song between a couple.... they both know that it's about to happen but neither one of them is brave enough tell the other person that he/she doesn't wanna see him/her anymore. The interesting thing is that the song is very cheerful, when you do not know the lyrics this song may lift your mood, for a moment at least. I found this amusing as it may reflect the fact that sometime breaking-up is not as bad as we think. It may lead to something good, very good indeed.-

SOMETIMES YOUR BEST IS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH ( 9.45 AM TRILOGY PART 3)

- There is no time left, this trilogy has to be finished today -

Over the phone not so long ago, a friend kinda told me how upset she was because she feel someone did not appreciate her (self-claimed) best effort. My response was cold. "Shit happens, that's life. Sometime you give your best, but your best is just not good enough" [1]. Well, due to limited time and budget, our conversation was cut short. I knew she will be OK, I just feel that I should have said something more comforting that time.

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up,
Till I close my eyes.
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know.

How many times in life this shit happens to you? You study extra hard for your exam and the next day you just do not wake up and miss the exam. You do an extremely thorough research and working 24/7 to write a good thesis paper, but in the end they reject your journal. Worst, sometime you do your best to prove your worth to someone, but he/she think you are not good enough. I listened to many stories about this. I listened to how they feel rejected, dejected and worst, depressed because of this.

'Coz heaven knows
Why I live in despair
'Coz wide awake or dreamin',
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave,
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so?
[Heaven Knows, Rick Price][2]

From now on, I think I am going to have a similar answer for those who complain about this. God always play by the rules. All God's act can be justified. It just that we, human, have so many limitations to know the reason and to understand the justification. God knows the future and we don't, so why are we complaining. God is the only one who knows exactly how much the effort you have made. God is the only one who knows how to measure those. We can't. We will always fail to find a good and identical comparison. We just have to have faith, God play by the rules. God will give us what we deserve[3][4].

Every night I pray, I'll have you here someday.
I'll count the stars tonight, and hope with all my might.
That when I close my eyes, you'll be right by my side.
If I could only have one wish you'd be the girl whose lips I'd kiss
All my only dreams.
[All My Only Dreams, The Wonders][5]

We have no control over what the final result will be. We can only control what we can give or take. Two years back, I had a great lesson in my life [6]. In short, I just learned that we can give our best or our worst. You just have to decide how much you will give. For the result, trust me, it is not our business. Why should you worry about the result when God have taken care that for you.

adakah ku singgah dihatimu
mungkinkah kau rindukan adaku
adakah ku sedikit dihatimu
bilakah ku menggangu harimu
mungkinkah kau tak ingin adaku
adakah ku sedikit dihatimu
[Untitled, Maliq & D'essentials][5]

I admit sometime I still fall into the same trap every now and then. I often fail to accept the fact that the result is God's business not mine. However, I keep telling myself that the most important thing is that we should not regret for what we have done. We can give our very best or we can give a half or a quarter of our best due to our limitations, we just have to have a faith that God always give what we deserve.

Regret, just like hope, can linger in your head and kill you slowly.

Catlio
2 Gul Circle

[1] I never criticized the decision. I just hate the way he did it.

[2] This song is my friend's all-time favourite. And I could not find this song in my 40 Gigabyte songs collection. Shame! How could I miss this song?

[3] For those who visit this page and do not believe in God. I am sorry but this post is not for you.

[4] R: You're starting to see this right?

[5] Why suddenly my playlist full of please-kill-me-I-am-brokenhearted songs?

[6] A Lesson which make myself have a very low self-imposed demand now. A lesson which make my friend said I am almost as laidback as her boyfriend. Hahahah I am flaterred.

D: Btw, thanks for sending me a text when you were there. Yes, I know I said that already but I just want to write here so it will remind me to appreciate you more. Not so many people remember me when they are happy. But you are. Even my ex-girlfriend never texted me when she was there. She even prayed that she could marry someone else. Heuheauheaueaheau. Well, she is marrying that someone now, so I will not complain.