CRASHING DOWN AND GREY'S ANATOMY SEASON 3 EPISODE 19 (9.45 A.M. Trilogy Part 2)

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Crashing Down:
To undergo a period of unpleasant feeling or depression as an aftereffect of drug-taking.
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Ku bukan seorang pembohong [ I am not a liar]
Ku wanita biasa [ I am an ordinary woman]
Ku tak maksud menyakitimu [ I do not mean to hurt you]
Kau yang menunggu lama [ You who waited so long]


Maaf maafkanlah aku [Sorry, please forgive me]
Ku tak maksud menghentikan langkahmu [I did not mean to stop you way]
Untuk masuk ke hidupku [to come into my life]
Jangan engkau lupa masa-masa indah kita berdua [Do not forget our lovely moments]

The thing with plans is they do not take into account for the unexpected. So, when we threw the curve ball, whether it is in the OR, or in life, we have to improvise.

I made a plan approximately two years back. For the last one and a half year, I was determined and focused following my plan (some people called me 'crazy' and 'workaholic' and some people even put up a protest against it, but I call it 'determined and focused'). But a string of events at the end of last year gave me some feeling of uneasiness. I stopped my fight, my journey. I looked around, realized few things, questioned myself and started to curse.

And I improvised, tweaking my plan here and there. I was distracted. I changed my priority. Put my work in much a lower position. Went out more often, listened and talked to people more often. In short, kinda crawling back to my life before I made the plan.

And the question is whether the uneasiness that I felt was a crashing down moment or a depression that led me to take the 'drugs'. If, let say the latter was true, during this period I had taken the drugs bit by bit, before I officially became an addict when I went home for holiday last month. That may be the reason my boss said I was a much more happier person. I'm high, boss!.

Nyanyilah di tengah dinginnya air mata [Sing in the midst of tears coldness]
Jadi inilah selamat tinggal [So this is goodbye]
Jadi pergilah engkau [So please go away]

Of course, some of us are better at it than others.

Now. Tomorrow is my statistic mid term and I still have not read a single word about it though I know the paper is gonna be tough. I felt a moment of uneasiness especially when I remembered how I performed at my work and at my study lately. The question is still the same. Am I crashing down? or Am I depressed?

Some of us just have to move on to Plan B and make the best of it.

The first improvisation is easy but not the second one. It is harder than it looks. Moving to Plan B is never easy. Not many people can handle failure and rejection. Not me, I live for the moment. I do not have so many plans to make sure everything perfect coz we can just try our best and let God do the rest. Why worry your life away so much?

I ask myself do I have any option here? One of it must be crashing down and the other is the depression. But I know for sure, both needs cure and I have to deal with it no matter how shitty would that be.

Kubukan seorang pembohong [I am not a liar]
Ku wanita biasa [ I am just an ordinary woman]
Bangunlah jangan kau takut [Wake up, do not be afraid]
Cintamu di hujung pelangi [Your love is a the end of the rainbow]
[Engkau, Nidji][1] [4]

and Sometimes what we want is exactly what we need.

In the end, I choose to believe what I felt last year was the depression and what I feel right now is the crashing down. I am going back to the way it was. In the inside, something may not be repairable, but on the outside I will be determined and focused as ever starting from this point. [2]

but, sometimes what we need isn't in plan. [3]

Catlio
386

[1] What are they trying to say in this song. Kenapa pula Giring mesti ngaku-ngaku jadi wanita biasa. Sumpah, biar gue suka nidji, kalo giring jadi cewe gue gak bakalan naksir. Coba yang di Indo dan pernah liat interviewnya Nidji, bisa kasih tau gue mungkin artinya lagu ini?

[2] N: I know it won't be your favourite decision but please be cool with it. I will mend the mistake I did last time.

[3] These words are quoted from Meredith Grey words in Grey's Anatomy Season 3 Episode 19. The highlights of the episode are:
- Sloan is likely to secure the position of Chief of Surgery by creating a 'Right-now' plan. Ha! Long live lucky bastard.
- Meredith is succesfully performed a very complex procedure and she felt she has made her mother proud. Dead mother.
- Derek realizes he got no plan for future but Meredith.
- George assures Callie's father that he can take care of her but..
- He also realized he slept with his bestfriend, Izzie when he got drunk. Izzie feels it was so right but George think it was a mistake. Poor Izzie. Izzie: Come here, let me give you a hug. heuaheauheuehuehuehe.

[4] Jie, I translate the song especially for you so you can understand my post. Though, I am not confident I've translated it correctly.

CONSERVATION OF YOUR FEELING (9.45 AM TRILOGY PART 1)

- 9.45 Am is my company official tea break time. Usually, I do something else during this time, but starting from now I decide to write for my blog -

Not so long a go, I chatted with a friend of mine on the phone. She intrigued me with one idea. She claimed that "You have a specific amount of feeling toward other people. The amount will never change, but the form may change" (sounds like conservation of energy law, right?). I never reject this claim but never accept it as well as I never think about this before.

I bare my windowed self untamed and untrained
Dreams that hardly touch our complexions truest faults
If room enough for both my drowsy spirit shall fall
Bold waves tumble to the season of my heart
You have offended my faith and my trust
Until all is lost into the beauty of the day
Until all is lost(see-yeah, see-yeah)
And I think It's Lost

When I give some thought over the idea, I start to think my friend may be right. In my university years, I learnt in my Human Factor subject that we have a specific amount of attention that can be used. For example, you will be less focus in your driving when you drive and listen to the radio at the same time (much less focus if you are driving and watching video in your car screen). I can draw a similarity on that with my friend's idea. We have limited energy, love, care and time (among the four factors, the last is the factor that you will not able to change). We can share or may be direct those to a certain number of people. No matter what efficiency rate you are running in, you will not able to increase those factors. What you can do is that change the directions of those factors toward selected people at the specific time frame.

And there's something in the way you laugh
And it makes me feel like a child
Aspects of life they confuse me
You and your thesis amuse me
After an afternoon with you
And your rich brown eyes
Your lips and dark hair
Elbows and exposed knees tossing toward your ceiling
After an afternoon

My friend explained her idea with a good example. "For example, you love someone very very very much. For any reason, you have to stop loving that someone. Maybe because he showed you an exit door as he has a new girl waiting. The amount feeling you have towards the person will remain the same. It just change its form. From love, you now loathe him very much". (from the example, I guess I pretty much give a clue who she is without mentioning her initial). It's true. This is a valid example. When I think about it, I could not agree more with her. The hate will be reduced, when you start to love someone else. You may experience when you breaking up with someone you may get closer with your friends, start to care more about them than you used to. Finally, you can stop hate that person when you start to love someone else. Well, it's love that heals you, not time, right? Come on, I know you agree with me. Another example would be when you cheated on your fiancee, ok let's make it more general, girlfriend or boyfriend, you will give less attention to him/her because you need to take care of your affair.

Face to palm
Tear to tear
And Mouth to tongue
Heart to ground
Heart to ground
Say, "I am in love"
Say, "Heart to ground"
Say, everything
Oh, Heart
Oh, Heart
Oh, Heart to ground
I am in love
[After an Afternoon, Jason Mraz][1]

I kinda admire her for this profound thought and almost accept this idea. However, I remembered about two years ago, someone whom I considered as a tutor, Bang R, told me "when u get married, you'll be running in twice capacity than you are now". Well, it was his experience. He could say that cause he has married. If this is true, means you can love people around you in a greater capacity after you marry. I could not accept nor reject this idea for simple reason, I am not married yet.

So, if my friend's idea is considered as H0, from the statistical signigicant t-test that I conducted with my own method, I am not going to accept the hypothesis, but I will not reject it. (D: Shit, that lecturer really inspired me, I even used his words in my blog). Now, by not rejecting the hypothesis, I start to ask my self whether I can bring this idea even further, claiming the love that we give is the same amount as the love that we received. Hmmm..I have a gut I will reject this idea.

Catlio
No. 2 Gul Circle
"I study law of thermodynamics, law of conservation of momentum, law of conservation of energy and Newton's law 1,2 and 3. But I will never be a lawyer"

[1] One of my favourite Jason Mraz's songs. It's a very beautiful songs. I love the lyrics. It amazed me how he reveals his feeling with words. This song is about someone whom he thinks it's impossible that would ever like him, and it makes him upset, he goes for her, but she offends him..Despite that, she still completes him as there is a part of him that is only exposed when he's with her. This song contains some of the most beautiful lines I've ever heard:

"i bare my windowed seld untamed and untrained"
This is Jason revealing his true self to the woman he is singing to, the side of him he usually hides.

and other two favourites lines: "until all is lost into the beauty of the day" and "and there's something in the way you laugh that makes me feel like a child". And not to mention the last verse of the song. It is just beautiful.

HANDPHONE

- Listen, late last night, I heard the screen door swing,
And a big yellow taxi took my girl away
Now don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot
[Big Yellow Taxi, Counting Crows Feat Vanessa Charlton]

I have not been born yet, when Joni Mitchell sang this song for the first time, but I guess I am very well understand what she is trying to say. Just do not take things for granted -

I guess do-no-take-thing-for-granted is just a too boring topic. Everybody seems to know about the idea but just never be able to apply it to the real life. This post will slightly contradict to what Joni tried to say. Sometime, we need to take things easy.

Last weekend, I made an appointment with one of my colleagues, No, to buy a present for one of our colleagues who decided to go back to Indonesia for good (AGAAAAIIIN?). Halfway to our meeting point, I just realized I left my handphone at home. The journey which is supposed to be relaxing is spoiled. I started to think how to contact my colleague when I reached there. The plan was:
1. Go to 711, bought something cheap so I could get coins.
2. Look for public payphone which uses coins.
3. Call my other colleague, One, asking for No's phone number .
4. Call her and set a specific meeting point.

I managed to perform the first step. But then, I go to few levels, to my horror, not every level has public payphone using coins. They used phonecards. There was one in level 4, but it was damaged. I gave up, I went down, try to buy public phonecards in 711, my effort provides futile. I was not giving up, I looked for money changer. And pheww, after few levels, I found one. Bought the card and complete step 3. Luckily, my colleague had not gone anywhere else. She and her family still waited for me.

When I first realized I forgot to bring my handphone, the first thing popped into my mind was how do we meet when we did not have handphone last time. Yes, thank God, with technology improvement, handphone is like everyday thing. But, sometime we become too pampered by this fact. Before I have handphone, meeting friends in mall, cafe or anything is never be a problem as long as the friend has a good intention for not being late. But when we started the era of smsin-before-meet, it just that we slowly lose our ability without calling/texting our friend before we meet.

Yes, one good point we should not take the existence of our 3G, HIgh-capacity and resolution, Expensive, Stylish handphone for granted (who will anyway?) but the other good point is we just have to be able to get back to our life where such thing does not exist. It's good for not taking things for granted, but it's also good for not afraid losing things that we held on for so long or we used to have for so long. We should realize that our life is OK without that thing.

I am not really good at this. I was not an internet addict before I went to Singapore. But now, life is not fun without internet on my side. I never had a handphone before I went to Singapore. But now, going out without handphone made me uncomfortable.

Sometime, remembering our life before we had our precious things is OK and Normal will help us to value those things. Sometime, we could not afford to be too afraid to lose something. We are OK without that before, why should we worry our life away to held on too tight for that thing. Like D, my classmate, said "It was a plus point Bimo. You did not have it previously, so you should not you be sad when it went out of your reach". Thanks, D. You helped my head to win the battle with my heart this time.

Catlio
386
[The best song ever]

P.S: Don't worry your life away, my man. Just grab and live with it.

WHAT YOU GIVE IS NOT WHAT YOU GET

- Dunia ini punya mekanismenya sendiri untuk menjadi adil. -

Sepulang belajar bersama adik kecil, kami mengobrol panjang merecap cerita sejak kami pertama kali kenalan. Kami berdua sadar kalo ternyata orang-orang yang merubah sifat kami adalah orang-orang yang tidak seharusnya merubah kami. Dia bercerita dia bingung kenapa seseorang jadi istimewa padahal dia termasuk salah satu orang yang tidak dia mengerti rasa sayangnya (itupun kalo manusia itu memang sayang sama dia). Hipotesa pertama saya adalah "We, human, have tendency to take things for granted". Dan kami berdua termasuk kategori manusia biasa, yang cenderung melihat lebih sesuatu yang kita tidak punya.

Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, finally out of words.
[You and I Both, Jason Mraz]

Catlio
Gombak United
Yeay..we're going to have the blue sofa for another year!

KEBUTUHAN PRIMER

- I woke up 4 am in the morning, feel very cold, and could not get back to sleep. I thouoght a little bit of writing may help -

Waktu masih SD, gue, mungkin kita semua yang pernah sekolah dasar di Indonesia, diajarkan bahwa manusia itu punya tiga kebutuhan dasar: Sandang, Pangan dan Papan. Secara saat itu gue masih lugu dan tidak berpendidikan, aksioma ini gue terima mentah-mentah. Kita butuh baju, kita butuh makan dan kita butuh rumah untuk tetap hidup. Dan kebutuhan primer itu didefinisikan sebagai: "Kebutuhan yang harus dipenuhi, tidak hanya untuk kelangsungan hidup saja, tetapi juga terkait dengan tingkat kesejahteraan dari kelangsungan hidup itu sendiri."

Sekitar 15 tahun kemudian, gue mulai merasa ada sesuatu yang tidak bisa diterima dari kenyataan di atas. Mungkin gue merasa dibodohi bahwa kebutuhan primer manusia itu bukan sandang, pangan dan papan tadi, atau juga ada kebutuhan lain yang termasuk kebutuhan primer tapi tidak dimasukkan ke dalam daftar di atas karena menurut Depdikbud Indonesia, seorang anak SD tidak bisa mengerti.

I am a fan of a show entitled "I Shouldn't be Alive" from "Discovery Channel". Satu hal yang sangat jelas dari show ini adalah beberapa manusia mampu bertahan hidup dalam sebuah kondisi ekstrim, dengan memikirkan orang-orang yang mereka sayang. Ada yang gak punya air bersih, ada yang gak makan, ada yang tersesat di Mount Everest. They're all stay alive karena rasa sayang itu. (Salah satu temen gue berargumen bahwa binatang piaraannya dia juga kalo tesesat akan mampu kembali pulang ke rumah demi anaknya, gue gak membantah dan tidak berminat untuk membuktikan argumen dia salah). Entah kenapa gue jadi punya perasaan bahwa rasa sayang adalah salah satu kebutuhan primer manusia lainnya.

Let see it this way, kebutuhan primer itu khan buat manusia, jadi harusnya kebutuhan primer itu juga adalah sebuah kebutuhan yang membuat manusia menjadi manusia (Kucing gak butuh sandang dan papan khan?). Dan menurut gue, gak ada yang lebih membuat seorang manusia menjadi manusia dan bukan binatang selain rasa sayang yang manusia butuhkan dari manusia lainnya.

Pengalaman gue membuktikan hal itu sangat benar. Kebanyakan guru sekolah kita yang perawan tua galaknya bukan maen khan? Kadang berasa kaya monster. Kenapa? Ya mungkin karena dia gak pernah disayang secara intensif atau ada bentuk rasa sayang yang hilang. Walhasil dengan sandang, pangan dan papan, dia hanya jadi monster. Satu lagi, gue melihat seorang adik kelas yang super nyebelin, ngeselin di sebuah saat dan menjadi sangat menyenangkan di detik yang lain (ini salah satu bentuk monster menurut gue), tiba-tiba dia jadi sangat menyenangkan ketika seorang teman gue yang ganteng, baik hati, pinter dan tidak sombong menjadi pacar adik kelas gue ini. Dan gue mulai menganggap adik kelas gue ini seorang manusia yang layak (bukan monster musuh Power Rangers).

Mungkin rasa sayang gak bisa dimasukin jadi kebutuhan primer, tapi yang pasti loe butuh rasa sayang untuk menjadi manusia, hanya dengan menjadi manusia loe berhak mempunyai kebutuhan primer.

- Alur tulisannya ngaco yah? ah gak penting, i just need some sleep -

Catlio
"Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else"
[Maroon5, She Will Be Loved]
*Catlio menyadari sesuatu dan beranjak tidur dengan tersenyum.....

SATU LAGI