TESTING MY DESTINY

Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?

It’s not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break…
[Better That We Break, Maroon 5]

I once wrote about destiny, claiming concept about our life is pre-destined as rubbish. Here I am, three years later, admitting that there is such a thing called destiny. Beberapa bulan belakangan, banyak kejadian dramatis di sekitar saya. Lucunya, setelah sabar menunggu dan melihat, kejadian-kejadian itu sebenarnya kepingan-kepingan puzzle yang setelah lengkap memberikan kita sebuah gambaran utuh tentang sesuatu. Gambar nya gak mesti indah dan cantik tapi selalu utuh, membantu kita mengerti akan banyak hal. Terlalu banyak kebetulan yang kalau menurut ilmu statistik bisa dianggap tidak ada karena nilai kumulatif probabilitasnya lebih kecil dari 0.05.

Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!
[Over You, Daughtry]

Banyak juga orang yang berbagi dengan saya, bercerita tentang puzzlenya yang sudah utuh. Biasanya mereka jadi lebih dewasa, lebih mengerti tentang hidup, lebih ikhlas dan lebih mengakui kuasa Allah swt. Kata-kata "Ya emang udah jalannya", jadi lebih sering keluar sebodoh apapun kedengarannya.

But it's nothin new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
[Apologize, One Republic Feat Timbaland]

Saya sendiri juga merasa terbantu dengan cerita2 ini. Juga tertampar. Karena saya suka lupa dengan konsep saya sendiri, bahwa kita boleh berusaha sekuat mungkin kenyataanya hasil akhir bukan punya kita. Setelah tertampar dengan keras, saya sadar bahwa ada hal-hal yang Allah sudah gariskan buat saya.

Twas more than I could take, pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realise, that you don't even have to try any longer?
Do what you want to.

Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate.
[Put Your Records On, Corinne Bailey Rae]

Sebenarnya tanpa sadar saya sudah mengakui konsep takdir ini sejak lama. Banyak keputusan yang saya ambil dengan menguji takdir tadi. Bahasa kerennya "testing my destiny". Saya sadar ini adalah salah satu alasan kenapa saya jarang sekali menyesali keputusan saya. Karena menurut saya, salah atau betul ada bagian yang memang sudah digariskan. Dan sering sekali keputusan saya dibuat dengan menimbang dan menguji kebetulan2 yang terjadi.

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is. Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.
[Realize, Colbie Caillat]

Saya rasa sikap paling tepat adalah untuk mengakui adanya garis ketetapan dan juga pengaruh usaha. Pengakuan penuh terhadap takdir, bisa membuat kita malas, pengakuan penuh terhadap usaha kita sendiri, bisa membuat kita takabur dan hancur ketika gagal. In the end, it is about balance.

So far away from where you are
Standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here
[From Where You Are, Lifehouse]

- One day, I woke up and suddenly Allah showed me all the pieces of the puzzle. I smiled knowing that destiny is taking its place and I did not need to test it anymore. The puzzle was completed as it was started way before I knew it. Thank You-

Catlio
Bukit Gombak